Chosen by Mess

Do you ever feel that your life such a waste? Choose a thing that you totally know its gonna be so wrong? Or don't even choose a move? I was there and I couldn't choose any, If I could I wouldn't choose this life. Why? I have no reason for it. Thing I know is, God just terrible for made me alive.

...

I born in very well family, they are liberal. Every son of dad could choose whatever they want. Choose, even they were no options. The only border what dad make is to stay in peace, especially on religion things. He don't say religion is bad, but here the people don't take the responsibility for their peace. What I got is this all fake, knowing the concept of religion is bringing the peaceful in life and what happen is just the otherwise (I live in Indonesia, where the culture insist that privacy of life with God should have a kind of manner). I know culture have no compromise, but you should agree this also not so that right. That idea grows in me. The point is we dad's could freely choose our own life, the boundary is just keep peace in life and in love. He makes me thinks this way. But thats good, I really respect that thoughts and I choose to agree about the things that he said.

I've been grew in the very artistic tone since so young. I made thousand papers doodled by ink and got appreciate by friends at that time. I got very introvert life those old days, but that was fading in no time. I got into little bit rebel soon, I don't know but I feel so rebel at my secondary school. Untill I grown up and know how exciting this life was, I found friends in the high school whose introducting me the culture of pop life and grown my art sense there and so on. They brought me foward to the art school at university age. Here not now but at that time, this introvert characters of mine bit crossed. I felt walk in the middle, but I know this wouldn't be that gone. I like being me. And back to the point, all those ways that chosen is really based on my own opinion. Dad and mom never doubt my choice, never. So I do my best on my choice.

Then I graduated, as graphic designer. I hadn't feel this kind of confuse to pass a step of my life. Should I choose some job? Should I choose my design career? Or into artsery things? Should I choose work overseas because in this so lovely country my profession have a hell of heaven perspective? That was really confusing where you got a step to choose but you dont have any ideas what is your vision was. It was changing by second. This why I told you if I could choose, I wouldn't choose this life. But, I was deciding, I'm walking randomly now, also don't know what will happen next on me. A plan? Yes I had plenty, some of those lost hope, and the others were forgoten. This all crap always gives me a holy-ultimate-questiona to God, that really gives a super-silence-answer there. I believe You were there and I know my brain couldn't reach You by logic, but You the one that did me, genius. Screw for my life that couldn't even understand for.

I have choose many things after. I've been fallen many times. I waste my years in the experimental day with has no future, there so much thing want to do but I dont know the way how to do it, stuck on daily life, cheat-lies-shitting for the name called love, lying to myself, have a crush to things that shouldn't, choose career that's feel so sketchy, ever disappointed best pal into hole, failed work overseas, those seven sins that grows in mind by day (I am not that bad, trust me). Things that very core in problem is I still don't know whether I go, future. This life would be a mess when you don't have future plan out there, vision. Big mess. Since that this all mess just bring me my brain chillin'.  I got something. This all mess. Yes I mention a lot of mess word. But honestly this is real important step in my life. This all mess make the current me alive. All of those mess build me up, here the man who write on the back on this blog. Even things all just mess, it is precious I guess. This mess is art. I choose walk on this all mess I've done, and keep going with better shit, ofcourse.

....

Maybe this cheesy feeling of mine so fvckng late seven hundred years to brought up as crap of thoughts. Holiway, I just feel thats all mess that I've done in my life seems right. Yes, seems right. Right here right now I keep going, I have choose life that lying on my mess.

Keep on peace, lads!

Summer Rain in the July's Ash

Everything started in grey at that night. The cloud wasn't fading, sunny moon didn't even rised a clue of the lame vision. The mosquitos drift through, follow the wind flow into the thread of the door's gap. In the room of million-hundred pixels, I centered sat in bed with the heat that gave me no idea of living.

A fan was truly friend for me that night, it was accompany me to rape my smoke twice faster until the last pack feel like second. Made a dilematic analogy in the concept of waste; whether it is a good thing to make those smokes  fastly raped by the wind that keep my heart healty or it is a worst act to rape the pack fastly and have no respect to money? Feel kinda same as my living concept was now. Did I did wrong? Everything wasn't turning wistful-black nor whiteful-bright. It was absolutely grey.

....

At the first, my phone was ringing but I believe not for me exactly. In a mobile-app-group people were chating, sharing ideas, throwing cheesy jokes to make every minute feels better and far from a bluelyness. Some deep inside heart cured, some the past story accrued. Ignoring them and stay in the blue is kind my habbit that was. It was kind a machosist enjoying the hurt situation until its get rusted. Heart in my case.

At the second, my silly-never-be-smart-phone was ringing. And my heart had a different respond upon that. Something come to the surface of my black- touch-screen -android phone. The number that I had been deleted appeared like an oil in the water, every digit was contrastly remain, flies in my mind from nescience.

I took that call and heard a gently voice that I never forget. How can I forget the voice that always bring me sleep in the older days. Word by word designed to touch the fragilest part of my chest. It was directly pointed about a honest feeling of person's mind, and very-well knitted into my personal perception.

At that time my heart was exploding like a new year beacon and my brain was wizzling like the dizzieness never been cured by a distance as my current life-time. I wasn't sure about my feeling, but my real shape was keep moving. The grey was turning into wobbly saturation, unstablely.

Exactly in that night, my emotion gave me drive through the blury path of destination. My instinct feel like crap but that was sharp enough to draw a right line. I keep go through in that land of blind, in the summer that really-trully dry. Once a sec who gonna guess that soon rain will fall cover the street with reflection? I told you, that was summer-fucking-summer but the rain never fell that hard as the older night, I don't know why. It feel like the heat of this city was fading down by rain. The traffic straight clear into destination. Like realm was playing with my emotion.

I noted this. That night I was driving like hell to go there. With no option in mind, no need second opinion. Even still blurry, that night feel so bold, the realm quite made the impression up. I hadn't felt romantic for all these years, it was very close to the epic feeling in my experience.

Finally I drop there, met there by the complicated things right in the front of the door. Heart was beating, the door getting bigger, I felt so small as bean in the my morning meal. Here me, standing infront of the undefined future that just limited by a single gap of the door. A hand moved make a sound, door opened, met by an inch toward her nose. The hearts were calmly beating in the quiet night. That sopping wet robe, the pimples wasn't a big deal. My body just slide into the wall and lazy posture seems like me was trying to make a denial impression, the soul like calmly out of my grip.

It was her face that I missed, I looked own heart sparkling toward it up. Covering the weakness perception of logical's me and changed it into fully emotion. Ground started to be rose's red. Those nails into the texture of the wodden brown door. White dots into the pink of her cloth. Shiny orange was the ambience that mix all the colors up that night. The grey washed-out, bright into color of warm. Harmless.

....

That was raining summer night. I feel like thousand day burned into this night, it was all just for that one day of confession. Kiss never be leapt as love as it be, but the cry as hard as that rain's drop that summer - touching to the heart, of our mind. Even my heart still the same and was never feel sure, we were trying together. Another day again.

The end was started in of summer's rain when the ash washed-out.